I thought this was funny. I especially enjoyed the comment about Roger Clemens.
msn.foxsports.com/mlb/story/6813054
Meet the 38-and-over All-Stars
Randy Hill / Special to FOXSports.com
Posted: 10 hours ago
At the unintentionally tender age of 35, many representatives of the male human fraternity reach a stunning physical crisis. This encounter often seems to occur overnight, creating the need for spotter assistance so the subject can stand upright.
The bedroom mirror which was transformed from ally to ambivalent bystander during those early 30s officially has become the enemy. It suggests that your once-stellar physique now is falling apart with the unmistakable sprawl of a haphazardly engineered taco.
But Major League Baseball players may be immune to this happy transition. Suspected reasons include performance-enhancing substances such as flaxseed oil and whey protein, while the rigors of off-season training (excludes golfing without a cart) can't hurt.
Anyway, based on the numbers, MLB could be credited with sponsoring a senior tour. These sturdy throwbacks may be rounding third, but they're refusing to head for home. While putting the (relatively) old in the old ballgame, baseball's veterans are making the rest of us feel even more brittle.
Their value is immeasurable because they know when to take a pitch, which base to throw to and which credit card to use when charging the mound.
They are a legion, and they deserve an All-Star team of their own. The starting point for inclusion was going to be 35-plus, but a quick review of big-league rosters reveals that just too stinking many hotshots would qualify. So I've bumped the minimum-age requirement to 38.
What follows is my position-by-position list of prevailing old-timers:
First Base: While quite a few seniors stroll out to this position, the runaway choice for my dare-to-dream team is the allegedly 48-year-old Julio Franco. Honk if you remember which franchise he currently works for (New York Mets).
Julio claims to be two years shy of 50, but this claim seems suspicious when he begins retelling the tale of his first big-league hit ... against Walter Johnson.
Starting at first base: 48-year-old Julio Franco. (Doug Benc / Getty Images)
Second Base: This loaded position is claimed by 39-year-old L.A. Dodger Jeff Kent. Jeff is batting .300 and is the most dangerous power hitter on his team; unfortunately for the Dodgers, that honor is slightly less prestigious than being declared the valedictorian of summer school.
Shortstop: San Francisco Giant Omar Vizquel is one of the slickest fielders we've ever seen and has reached the age of 39. That stat had seemed a bit iffy after he ripped Jose Mesa in his book.
Third Base: Craig Biggio has been a catcher, second baseman and center fielder. Now, at age 41, the Houston Astros lifer is going to be a third baseman because Kent would need to borrow a bazooka to get the ball to first from that far away.
Left Field: Giants' all-time-home-run-leader-to-be Barry Bonds is proof that, at age 42, you don't have to leave your wheelhouse and move into something smaller. I'm waiting to hear Curt Schilling accuse Bonds of cheating on the date-of-birth region of his driver's license.
Center Field: Texas Ranger Kenny Lofton, who's visited more MLB clubhouses than the distribution rep for David Sunflower Seeds, has an uncanny knack of helping teams reach the playoffs. I think he'll need additional mojo to make that happen this year.
At 39, Kenny still has the speed and chops to command a pitch-out.
Right Field: At age 40, Moises Alou (Mets) is hitting .318, which suggests zero bladder problems that would prevent the application of his favorite callous-softening agent.
It should be noted that without intervention from Steve Bartman, Alou would be just 34 years old right now.
Catcher: Although his squatting time now is limited to the tying of his shoes, I'm fairly certain Oakland's Mike Piazza still can read the book on hitters without squinting.
Designated Hitter: If he could be "The Big Hurt" while in his 20s, imagine what getting ready to play must be like for 38-year-old Toronto Blue Jay Frank Thomas.
Starting Pitcher: Arizona Diamondbacks lefty Randy Johnson has stayed around long enough (he's 43) to turn mellow before all of the reporters he used to despise were able to die.
Starting Pitcher: Atlanta Braves right-hander John Smoltz (39) lost his hair a long time ago, but has enough arm to go from stopper to closer and back.
Starting Pitcher: In his first year as a San Diego Padre, Greg Maddux (40) has not lost anything on his fastball, an arm-related streak that spans about, oh, 15 seasons.
Starting Pitcher: Philadelphia Phillies southpaw Jamie Moyer is the only player in baseball whose age (44) trumps the typical number he produces on the radar gun.
Starting Pitcher: Left-hander Tom Glavine gives the Mets enough veterans to lobby for "Matlock" reruns to be shown on the clubhouse TV.
Closer: Padre Trevor Hoffman (39) has demonstrated a longevity equal to that of about three typical closers. Please note that New York Yankee great Mariano Rivera will turn 38 in November unless he blows another save and shoots up to about 45.
Ah, yes, the batting order.
CF -- Lofton
SS -- Vizquel
LF -- Bonds
2B -- Kent
RF -- Alou
DH -- Thomas
C -- Piazza
1B -- Franco
3B -- Biggio
Potential Rotation Call-Up: I was prepared to negotiate a deal for Roger Clemens, but decided to take a nap instead.
Veteran columnist Randy Hill is a frequent contributor to FOXSports.com.
msn.foxsports.com/mlb/story/6813054
Meet the 38-and-over All-Stars
Randy Hill / Special to FOXSports.com
Posted: 10 hours ago
At the unintentionally tender age of 35, many representatives of the male human fraternity reach a stunning physical crisis. This encounter often seems to occur overnight, creating the need for spotter assistance so the subject can stand upright.
The bedroom mirror which was transformed from ally to ambivalent bystander during those early 30s officially has become the enemy. It suggests that your once-stellar physique now is falling apart with the unmistakable sprawl of a haphazardly engineered taco.
But Major League Baseball players may be immune to this happy transition. Suspected reasons include performance-enhancing substances such as flaxseed oil and whey protein, while the rigors of off-season training (excludes golfing without a cart) can't hurt.
Anyway, based on the numbers, MLB could be credited with sponsoring a senior tour. These sturdy throwbacks may be rounding third, but they're refusing to head for home. While putting the (relatively) old in the old ballgame, baseball's veterans are making the rest of us feel even more brittle.
Their value is immeasurable because they know when to take a pitch, which base to throw to and which credit card to use when charging the mound.
They are a legion, and they deserve an All-Star team of their own. The starting point for inclusion was going to be 35-plus, but a quick review of big-league rosters reveals that just too stinking many hotshots would qualify. So I've bumped the minimum-age requirement to 38.
What follows is my position-by-position list of prevailing old-timers:
First Base: While quite a few seniors stroll out to this position, the runaway choice for my dare-to-dream team is the allegedly 48-year-old Julio Franco. Honk if you remember which franchise he currently works for (New York Mets).
Julio claims to be two years shy of 50, but this claim seems suspicious when he begins retelling the tale of his first big-league hit ... against Walter Johnson.
Starting at first base: 48-year-old Julio Franco. (Doug Benc / Getty Images)
Second Base: This loaded position is claimed by 39-year-old L.A. Dodger Jeff Kent. Jeff is batting .300 and is the most dangerous power hitter on his team; unfortunately for the Dodgers, that honor is slightly less prestigious than being declared the valedictorian of summer school.
Shortstop: San Francisco Giant Omar Vizquel is one of the slickest fielders we've ever seen and has reached the age of 39. That stat had seemed a bit iffy after he ripped Jose Mesa in his book.
Third Base: Craig Biggio has been a catcher, second baseman and center fielder. Now, at age 41, the Houston Astros lifer is going to be a third baseman because Kent would need to borrow a bazooka to get the ball to first from that far away.
Left Field: Giants' all-time-home-run-leader-to-be Barry Bonds is proof that, at age 42, you don't have to leave your wheelhouse and move into something smaller. I'm waiting to hear Curt Schilling accuse Bonds of cheating on the date-of-birth region of his driver's license.
Center Field: Texas Ranger Kenny Lofton, who's visited more MLB clubhouses than the distribution rep for David Sunflower Seeds, has an uncanny knack of helping teams reach the playoffs. I think he'll need additional mojo to make that happen this year.
At 39, Kenny still has the speed and chops to command a pitch-out.
Right Field: At age 40, Moises Alou (Mets) is hitting .318, which suggests zero bladder problems that would prevent the application of his favorite callous-softening agent.
It should be noted that without intervention from Steve Bartman, Alou would be just 34 years old right now.
Catcher: Although his squatting time now is limited to the tying of his shoes, I'm fairly certain Oakland's Mike Piazza still can read the book on hitters without squinting.
Designated Hitter: If he could be "The Big Hurt" while in his 20s, imagine what getting ready to play must be like for 38-year-old Toronto Blue Jay Frank Thomas.
Starting Pitcher: Arizona Diamondbacks lefty Randy Johnson has stayed around long enough (he's 43) to turn mellow before all of the reporters he used to despise were able to die.
Starting Pitcher: Atlanta Braves right-hander John Smoltz (39) lost his hair a long time ago, but has enough arm to go from stopper to closer and back.
Starting Pitcher: In his first year as a San Diego Padre, Greg Maddux (40) has not lost anything on his fastball, an arm-related streak that spans about, oh, 15 seasons.
Starting Pitcher: Philadelphia Phillies southpaw Jamie Moyer is the only player in baseball whose age (44) trumps the typical number he produces on the radar gun.
Starting Pitcher: Left-hander Tom Glavine gives the Mets enough veterans to lobby for "Matlock" reruns to be shown on the clubhouse TV.
Closer: Padre Trevor Hoffman (39) has demonstrated a longevity equal to that of about three typical closers. Please note that New York Yankee great Mariano Rivera will turn 38 in November unless he blows another save and shoots up to about 45.
Ah, yes, the batting order.
CF -- Lofton
SS -- Vizquel
LF -- Bonds
2B -- Kent
RF -- Alou
DH -- Thomas
C -- Piazza
1B -- Franco
3B -- Biggio
Potential Rotation Call-Up: I was prepared to negotiate a deal for Roger Clemens, but decided to take a nap instead.
Veteran columnist Randy Hill is a frequent contributor to FOXSports.com.
